my11x11wish814

my11x11wish814

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crazy?

[May. 7th, 2009|02:55 am]

[	Current Location	\|	my room	]
[	Current Mood	\|	confused	]

I don't know if im crazy for this but whatever its on my mind.

i really wish everyone could go back to being friends where we all just chill and nothings wrong. austin hates eric but iwish they could talk again. i tried talking to austin about it cause me n him and his family went to the orange county fair grounds for the races and erics family was there racing and i got excited cause its people i knew and missed hanging out with. and austin got all like grr cause he thought i missed being with him cause i like him. i dont like eric for more than a friend or someone to talk to and chill with but austin hates him. i tired convncing austin to talk to him again and he wont he just keeps getting really really jealous and thinking that i still like eric.

Its been very weird lately. idk what to do anymore. its like i cant talk to austin about my feelings cause he either gets reall mad or really upset.

Ive been having weird dreams lately too.

The other night i had a dream that me n austin had a truck and i just had a baby and me him n eric were talking again. we were all at the races again and i was in the truck with the baby austin was talking to people and me n eric were talking. its like we were all perfect again and happy. it was like the best time we all ever had. i talked to austin like he was my best friend and it was fun. but everytime i try and talk to austin about it he thinks something else and i cant change his mind.

its all so hard. theres been some weird thoughts ive been having lately and i cant talk to him about it cause he doesnt understand or believe me. he thinks something different.

i dont know theres so much on my mind and i dont know what to do about it. any one please help. its like i dont have any personal time to talk to people that he doesnt like without him asking questions. i want to send eric a letter and a few other people but i cant cause austin wont understand and if he finds out he will be so pist off and upset. idk what to do im so confused. hes so protective that its getting to the point where everything upsets him or pisses him off and even though he has nothing to worry about he still gets that way

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friends

[Mar. 14th, 2009|07:50 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	Room	]
[	Current Mood	\|	crappy	]
[	Current Music	\|	Whickey Lulliby - Brad Paisley	]

I know that i moved over an hour away and no one likes it but theres nothing that can be done about it.

But its not just me thats changed

All The old people that were close to me and i used to know, have completely changed. Its like none of us are friends.I know people say that ive changed but people are getting a lot worse and changed a lot more than me. I dont know i just needed to post something and this was on my mind.

Also I need a job. Its really hard to find a job up here and me n austin need to be out of here within like the next month, month and a half. Any one have any ideas, please help out.

And im listening to sad music even though the song has nothing to do with my feeling right now

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past and present

[Feb. 26th, 2009|03:18 am]

[

Current Mood

confused

]

i hate the fact that on myspace, facebook and aim i can see the shit that my mother, and all the assholes in my family have to say. idk

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Past

[Feb. 11th, 2009|03:40 am]

[	Current Location	\|	Home	]
[	Current Mood	\|	crappy	]

I dont know if anyone will understand the way i feel but its killing me. I know theres only like one person i know that can read this so i will be honest about it.

Just by looking at myspace and facebook, the past comes up and it kills me. I see an ex and it still hurts after all that happened.

I Love my fiance to death and i want to be with him forever, but the saying " you never forget or get over your first love" is so true. I hate seeing him, hearing about him and the part that made it even harder is when i first started to talk to this one girl thats friends with him she said that he still cares about me.

I know hes a cheater and did some really messed up things but what kills me was that i really loved him and i went through a lot with him and that kills. No i dont want to get back with him cause of what he did but it still kills to see him.

I miss rockland and the stuff i was doing there. I know i needed to get away and rocklands the worst place for me but it kills me to see all these people happy doing the stuff that i used to do and it kills me.

I need to leave New York, and start completely over. I cant take seeing anything at all. Its hard to overcome the past. I need to get away from it completely cause it still fucking kills me major time.

I need something really good to happen in my life, or some change or something to happen cause just sitting around is killing me.

Im not working, i dont have money right now, i have rumors that i am pregnant, and im not gonna be that obvious about things cause i dont know what kind of lectures im gonna get and i really dont need to hear them.

Lets just say it all hurts a lot

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